The human drama of athletic competition…the thrill of victory…the agony of the feet…face it, 99.999999999% of us will never qualify for an Olympic event, even for events that we didn’t really think could be defined as athletic competitions. I mean really, air rifles? Is there a Red Ryder category? Has anyone accidentally shot someone’s eye out?
If the International Olympic Committee can sanction BB guns, they should also consider the following events that represent extraordinary accomplishments by ordinary people:
The 5000-meter Large Dog Walk
This involves leading a boisterous, untrained and completely slobbery dog weighing no less than 120 pounds through a simulated suburban neighborhood. Participants are required to be out of shape, wear uncomfortable shoes (ingrown toenails are also a requirement), and attempt to prevent the dog from romping through flower gardens or pooping on driveways. Cats and squirrels will be periodically released throughout the course, which the contestant must attempt to prevent the dog from chasing.
This is a team sport, sort of. A couple will be seated in a simulated movie theater and given a large $7 bucket of popcorn. One contestant (the woman) will open by taking one handful and savoring it during the opening credits of the movie, while the man must hork down the entire contents before his partner finishes her first handful and then say “oh, I thought you were done” as apologetically as possible. Style points will be awarded for slurping an entire large soda without belching…which reminds me...
Did you know there is a World Burping Championship?
The Supermom Hurdles
In this event, the participant must attempt to wake, feed, and clothe four obstinate children between 5 and 15 and get them into a minivan and to their respective schools before the bell rings. This event will include finding lost socks, getting gum out of hair, and convincing the youngest ones that they will definitely be in an accident if their underwear is not clean. Also, the teenaged drama queen has been up all night texting and Facebooking and has not done her homework that’s due first period.
And what Olympics would be complete without The Synchronized Snack Toss, Face Pulling, Mud Hole Waterskiing, Belly Flops, Blob Jumping, and Rock, Paper, Scissors (which has an organized league—the USARPS)?
It’s time for us ordinary folks to start lobbying!